Saying Thanks

When it comes to receiving gifts and kind deeds, consider these tips and make your graciousness as memorable as the generosity that inspired it.

By Melissa Chessher

Even though she concedes that polls suggest people believe we live in a ruder society, Peggy Post, Emily Post's great-granddaughter-in-law and author for the Emily Post Institute, knows that Americans are keenly interested in manners, etiquette, and the basic rules of kindness. "People seem to be asking more questions than ever," she says. "Etiquette is helpful. It makes life more easy, and it makes life go more smoothly." Although big rituals like weddings illicit a host of formal rules guiding proper behavior, everyday acts of kindness rely on a considerable amount of common sense and creativity. These tips on the art of saying thanks help to create a proper and lasting impression for those who remembered you with an act or present.

Guilt-Free Giving. Robyn Freedman Spizman, author of Make it Memorable and The Thank You Book, advises to consider gratitude a state of mind, to seek out opportunities to reciprocate, and to avoid layering the act with the weight of guilt and responsibility and "have to." "I meet people all the time who say their parents made them write thank you notes; it wasn't fun, and they hated doing it," Post says. To assist with the mindfulness, be prepared with stationery options and enlist the kids to help by making the cards or creating stickers on the computer. At Spizman's home, everyone had to make one gift. Her daughter made cakes, and her son made cards for all occasions.
Be Prompt and Powerful. Don't let weeks go by before you respond. And, for the record, e-mails do count. "But I encourage them to be followed up by a hand-written note," says Post. Responding quickly allows you to use the excitement of the moment to fuel your prose for the note. "Most people say, ‘Thank you for the gift. It was wonderful,'" says Spizman. "I could have given them a hippopotamus. Generic thank-yous fall flat, leave out the people, and make it about the gift. Comment on the relationship, comment on the person's actions, and then use descriptives about the gift and be specific." Ask yourself: How will this gift be used, how will you bring it into your life? Reflect on that and your relationship with this person in the note.
Sherlock Solutions. Be an investigative responder by knowing when and how to respond. "It's never wrong to send a hand-written note, and in most cases that's what makes the most sense," says Post. But if the situation calls for more, be clever. "You have to observe their likes and dislikes," says Spizman. "A little bit of knowledge can elevate your gift." Being a guest in someone's home, acknowledging someone who hosted a party, or thanking the house-sitter may merit more than a note. Spizman relies on companies like heidisheavenlycookies.com to send sweet, personalized thanks for jobs well done.
Gifts Gone Wrong. But what about the bad sweater or the gift of something you already have three of in the pantry? How do you say thank you when you can't stand it? Post says she receives a lot of questions like these. "The most important thing is you can always say thank you," Post says. "You can always say thank you for thinking of me. You don't have to say you love the sweater."
Still Magical After All These Years. "Saying thank you is pretty basic, and it starts with parents modeling and also reminding their child as soon as they start to talk about these magic words," says Post. Spizman saves thank-you notes and points out that many people do. "Some thank-you notes get thrown in the trash and some get stored in the heart," she offers. "Which one do you want to write?"

Melissa Chessher is an Associate Professor at Syracuse University's S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications. Her work has appeared in Health, Fitness, and Real Simple.